I'm new here. Thought I'd use a letter I wrote to my parents, in April, as my introduction. I started a "Letter Journal" a few months ago in which I write to people, without actually giving them the letters. Sounds silly - maybe I will someday...
My story begins in South Africa, where I was born 33yrs ago. I've known about my condition from a very young age. I basically grew up knowing. But I found out I have MRKH Syndrome in MARCH 2009! I dont remember how many times I've walked out doctors' rooms, even a fertility specialist's, armed with the knowledge of what I didn't have and couldn't ever have, but in March of this year GOOGLE of all things, gave "it" a name, along with all the answers to my many questions.
Anyway, here goes:
Today was an ok day.
Sat and Sun weren’t.
I’m stronger than I realise but not as strong as you think and believe I am. I feel like I’m in quicksand sometimes and even if I don’t move around (think too much) I still feel myself slipping down.
You could try to imagine what it must be like, but until you’ve been there…
I don’t begrudge anyone; I’m not envious or jealous –I cant explain really. Its like a feeling of sadness over something I’ve lost, which I never really had even; that I never really got the chance to deal with or process properly –partly cos I never really knew what IT was, or understood ... until now that is. And partly, more importantly, no one helped me. I was all alone.
I didn’t really want to talk about it for obvious reasons, but did no one realise or care enough to foresee the problem that would create??
But, as with e’thing, issue or problem ever to cross our paths, it was subconsciously (I’m assuming) decided that if we don’t talk about, confront and/or try fix things, it would go away. And that goes for e’thing our family has ever had anything to do with. Anything that may cause ripples, waves or tension and arguments, must be avoided.
Avoid confrontation at all costs. Whatever the cost.
So… I was left to deal with this unimaginable weight of a burden that I did nothing to deserve, but was punished with anyway.
So I grew up and became one of the strongest people I know, mastering the art of secrecy with an uncanny ability to recognise some not so good traits in others.
I’m very opinionated, always believing I’m right; I fight for the underdog, want to be everyones hero or saviour; I stick my nose in where it usually doesn’t belong and get involved in things that don’t concern me etc etc -Maybe trying to make up for all the times others should have been doing the exact same thing for me- who knows!?
In my teens I walked out of a doctors rooms one day armed with the knowledge that I’d never carry a child, some thing or other didn’t develop fully, there nothing anyone can do for me, and oh, here’s a dilator.
The facts are the facts, I get that. But I didn’t understand anything. I have no words right now for that doctor! But why did you guys not want more info/explanations?If I came to you today and asked you to explain to me what was wrong with me, would you be able to? I doubt it.
WHY AREN’T YOU ABLE TO THOUGH?
I have MRKH Syndrome. I’m like 1 girl in every 5000. I’m one of the fortunate ones though –I don’t have hearing, kidney, heart or skeletal problems. I have 2 ovaries, but a very small uterus. There is unfortunately no light at the end of that tunnel! And I go thru the “that-time-of-the-month” mood swings regularly - this is my quicksand.
I look and feel normal most days. But I know I’m not. I know things cant get any worse but if I had to be honest and realistic, they never get any better either.
I know I'm not alone anymore at least. And like many of you have said, I could've written most of what I've read here, myself.
I’m so glad I found this site.